Umpire

The ancient, short-sighted (maybe even totally blind!) dodderer in a white coat who'll regale you with tales of his playing days pre-war (that's the Boer war!) when you should be concentrating on fielding at square leg and who can't see a stumping or run out when it smacks him in the face..

Tea always has amazing restorative powers for this idiot’s eyesight since when his own team is bowling he can always know that any ball going anywhere near a batsman’s pads was going to hit all three stumps, even when the batsmen has charged six yards down the wicket!  This individual’s index fingers should be surgically removed before the start of play.